live your life, don't look back. don't try to be someone else because being you is the best thing there is. wish i could merge my life in Australia with my life here. that would be epic. but back to reality. peace.
I’m my own destruction. I know how to hurt myself at the core. There was a time in my life when my parents told me “you need to adjust your attitude. You push people away and one day they will have enough of it and never come back.” It’s amazing how right your parents can be. I have grown a lot since then, but I don’t know that I have learned my lesson. Even though I’m surrounded by people I feel so alone. To be honest I think it dates back to when all my friends left me my senior year of high school. I fucked up, they called me on it and left me. I pushed them away without even trying. Takes talent I suppose. I just don’t know how to find true happiness with myself. I’m slightly discussed by myself. I’m weird. Weird as fuck. People aren’t afraid to tell me it either. Sometimes they say it jokingly but I know they mean it. I don’t know if I will ever find a way to fit in with the world. I just want to break down and cry. I have emotions, though some believe I’m soulless (shout out to my ex who probably believes me to be some whore bitch liar *insert horrible personality trait here*). No one will ever get me. Ever. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t even know how to navigate my own emotions. I wish I could file them away, lock them up and hide the key. People will never understand me. Some think I’m strong. But it’s just a front. I’m extremely delicate. I’m fragile. I just want to be loved. I want people to want to be around me. I want to r liked, loved even. I push away the people that “love” me. Why? I’m scared as shit. I fear failure. I fear neglect. I fear rejection. I just don’t know where I fit in this world, if I even fit in this world. It’s sad to think that I’m writing this to an empty space. No one will ever read it. No one will ever care that I feel like I’m bleeding inside. My mother asked my sister if I was doing ok because I was getting skinny. She told her yeah she’s fine. I made her believe that. I’m not fine. I’m in pain. Not suffering like other people in the world but I’m slowly ripping myself to pieces. My ex blocked me one Facebook and tumblr. Smart. He doesn’t have to see anything I post. Smart. I would too if I was him. I broke his heart, maybe. Or just made him realize what a bitch the girl he had been dating for almost 3 years was. I can’t believe this. I’m scared of love. I’m so afraid that I will never fit in this world. Like crying helps. Jesus Jenni pull yourself together. No one cares that you are crying. Your just a weird ass girl with a semi- pretty face. You think too much. You are on a different level from the rest of society at all times. Maybe that’s why I smoked pot for awhile. It brought me down to a level of others. My mind didn’t race as fast as normal. Yeah of course I would check out on occasion and find myself deep in thought. High-ideas or highdeas they call them. But it was a momentary escape from reality. The reality that scares me. I’m not strong. I try to be, but I’m not. I fuck up. I push people away. I ask questions and don’t even listen to the answer half the time. By the time the person answers, my mind had already found a new train of thought. No one will ever understand that. Damn I wish there was someone who cared. Someone who could just say I understand and hold me. Who legit understood me and knew what to do. I want to get out of here. I want to escape. I’m not happy. I’m torn apart and I did it to myself. No one will ever understand why I’m crying. No one will know when to wipe my tears.
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